When I still believed in a personal “G”od, I actually thought if “H”e hated me for “blessing” me with all the bad stuff that I could possibly think of. But I was taught to accept everything that “H”e blessed me with whole-heartedly, because I was assured that “H”e had a plan especially made for me, but I had no right to question nor to complain about it.
“Why does ‘G’od allow bad things to happen to good people?”
As a kid, I was the ugly fat girl in school who was always made fun of and treated like dirt. As an adult, I had a series of bad relationships with men: I was made a punching bag by one and was made a mistress by another. The last one really shattered my world. I thought he was different. It turned out, he was worse than all of them combined because he made me believe in a lie. That was exactly a year ago, a very tumultuous year it was, not only was my heart broken; my business went downhill as well. I thought about taking my own cursed and pathetic life that my sky daddy supposedly gave me.
I thought, if there really is a “G”od, then why does “H”e allow bad things to happen to good people? I’ve never killed anyone, I’ve never stolen anything and I’ve only told small lies. I don’t believe in Jesus and all the bullcrap that religions teach its flock anymore, but I did hope and believed in my heart, that “H”e understood my reasons, for they are valid.
It took me months to recover, although even up to this day, I still can’t bear to listen to the song which reminds me of him and my shattered pathetic delusion of having a married life and a family of my own, in the not so distant future.
“I realized I had a choice – I always had.”
I took the time to look at things on a deeper perspective. I reflected on what happened to my life and I realized that I had a choice – I always had. All the things that happened to me, was the product of my past decisions and indecisions. It turns out, that I am totally in-charge of my life and I have no one else to blame but myself.
I live my life on a daily basis and I am continuously engaging in decision making. I could have proven everybody wrong in school, but I chose to live a “woe is me” kind of life, which resulted in years of bad school memories. I could have just rejected three of my past lovers because I saw something about them that didn’t seem right, but I kept at it because I was hungry for affection. Those lapses in logic which resulted to indecisions gave me unnecessary stress and heartaches. I only have myself to blame. It was all me.
“The old me was a woman who didn’t believe in herself.”
Looking back, now that I’m an Atheist, I can’t help but see the striking contrast in how I was before to how I am now. I no longer think that events such as tragedies and disasters are part of an invisible deity’s plan for us. The world is in a constant cycle of creation and destruction; stars die, and new stars are born from it. Tectonic plates move. Sometimes it forms mountains and sometimes it condemns a land mass into the bottom of the ocean. Everyday, babies are born and people die. That’s just how things are. People get duped because they choose to abandon critical thinking. Bad things happen to good people, not because a deity wants to test them, but because it just happens. Shit happens.
The old me, was a woman who didn’t believe in herself and was always seeking strength from an invisible outside source. I was a cry baby who lived a life of martyrdom and who always said: “thy will be done”. The new me, is a woman who is empowered and believes in herself. A woman who now knows, that she can choose her battles and she can say “No” or reject something that she thinks would only give her unnecessary stress.
I don’t need to pray so that an opportunity, a career, my happiness will come my way, because praying is worthless and it doesn’t do anything, and I can say, with full conviction, that prayers are for the lazy. I now know that I can avoid mistakes in life. But I also know that if I fail, I can pick up the pieces and start over. I don’t need to accept my fate, because my life isn’t planned for me and I write my own life story.